August 20, 2010

How are you supposed to feel after you wake up from sleep? Relaxed? Content? Confused? Brand new? That’s how it supposed to be, right?

I did not feel any of them even after sleeping for four days. I felt nothing.

I woke up in a hospital somewhere in Northumberland, UK, today with Zenya and the woman- who was my newly wedded wife with whom I was supposed to be enjoying a quite honeymoon- by my side. There was relief in their eyes but Zenya had some added grief in theirs. My wife went on to tell us how we had been found half-dead on the Bamburgh beach on the dawn of 17th august, nearly two weeks after we went missing from the Bahamas. We’d had been declared missing after the authorities were not able to find any evidence of our boat or bodies being torn to pieces after the storm had passed. The search parties had tried looking for us for the next ten days until my wife was called and informed about the three of us.

Fred had waited for me to regain concious before he went back home to his family. He wanted to say one last confirming goodbye before everything we went through was called a crazy story by his neighbours and a bedtime adventure by his kids. He wanted to confirm, just like me, whether what we had witnessed in the past few days was real or not. It became all too real when Zenya handed over the things we had recieved as a gift.

And as she did, the reality we had lived returned. My wife wanted to know everything. Where had we been? What had happened in the storm? Why was Zenya carrying wierd stones and a huge blank notebook?

But I stayed silent. She eventually gave up and left me alone in this dull hospital room for the rest of the day.

I was in no mood to explain or recall anything. All I wanted to do was be drwned to death in my own guilt.

“It’s not your fault Colin.” It was nearly night when Zenya finally spoke to me for the first time since we came back to our world. “It was that man’s choice to save his friend from misery and it was his friend’s choice to save that man from an untimely death. We have to honour it.”

She was right, as always.

I thought might have the answer.

“Will it go away any time soon? The guilt?”

“No.” she had whispered.

“But, we’ll figure something out to remove it. Together.” she had said after giving it some thought.

“What would I do without you Zenya?” I had asked myself as looking out at the darkness melting into the last orange hues of the horizen while promising myself to find a way, no matter how long it took.

I took a vow tonight to make it my life’s purpose to let Murdokk know everything through any means possible and I am hell bent on keeping it till my very last breath.

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